Okay well first of all I would like to apologise for the state of my last entry... my brain was just not in that day... My main point to blog that day was because it was a year ago on that date that I found out about my whole womby mess... and then when I went to actually write about it I couldn't. Its hard to describe why I couldn't talk about it, but even now a year on it still gets me. To day was the day that I had the ERPC, basically today a year ago was the beginning of a whole new me I think. Now I dont think me as in 'me' has ultimately changed but my life did completly get flipped upside down. My marriage was already crumbling at the seems and although to begin with, the lose of the baby brought us closer together, it also made me see that he wasn't my soul mate, I know roughly how I want my life to plan out (although it has never as of yet gone to plan), but suddenly I realised that where I saw myself in 10 years was not along the path I was going. So here I am a year later and it seems that the path is finally becoming clear and with each day that passes I feel more and more like me again. These past 365 days have been so random its unreal, first losing the baby, then finding out I needed chemo, having the chemo, filing for divorce (oh yeah crimbo... that was fun as always), running the bath half marathon, then moving across the country. It's been eventful, but I have grown in so many ways. For the first four months of last year all I consumed my mind with was thoughts of "this will be my babies first christmas" and "next year I'll get my first mother's day card", all these events have come and gone with out my baby, and it hurts, I wont lie. When some one tells you that the pain gets less, it doesn't, it just gets more manageable, more tolerable and normal. I will never forget my bubbs, I owe her that more than myself, but its only now that I am beginning to smile when I think about it. I am still having my blood tests and these are repeatedly coming back normal (yes I said it... normal for me ) so the thought that keeps me going is, one day, just one day I will have a first christmas with my baby, and one day I will get my first mothers day card. I think for any one who is reading this and has been through similar will understand what I am saying, and for you who will go through it please just remember that. This time last year it was like my world just stopped, everything just froze, but my advice is don't let it because it will only make you stronger for when you do become a mum.
Today for me has been a time of not only remembering, but also looking forward. Now for a long time I felt guilty for that, but I realised that I can do both, looking forward isn't forgetting, it's just growing up. I don't actually think that I can write down here how grateful I am to all those who have helped me and put up with me, even when I was really hard work, thank you for not letting go guys. To my family, you have been my rock, to my friends, you have helped me not forget myself, and to my beau, well what haven't you done, you made me find my spirit again.
I don't think I can say any more, today is a sad day, a day to be quiet and just to remember. Then tomorrow the sun will rise again, I will open my lungs and breathe in the days air and I will value each breath for it was my unborn child that saved mine, without giving her life I would never have known my own illness and tomorrow's sun may never have rose for me, so bubbs I thank you, you are always in my heart and thoughts, you are written on my skin.....
Love xx
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