Right, I have been a very busy bee indeed. I have finally started my course and I have been working. as always my bollucks off so having time to blog has been pushed on to the back burner. I do apologise for that peeps but needs must. Almost finished my first essay. Just need it to be proof read and then hopefully I will be able to send it off. Exciting stuff I tell ya. I am really getting into this and I am loving exploring my baking skills in the mean while. Hopefully wont take me to long to do the theory and finally get on to te practical cos lets face it that is the most exciting part of it all really. I keep forgetting to take pictures of my cakes, mental note I must do that. Sorry. Where was I. Okay well I worked today, came home, did my work, cleaned the kitchen whilst listening to some awesome tunes. Whilst I was washing the floor I had Bonnie Tyler, Faster Than the speed of Light blasting. Very motivating. My neighbours definitely got an ear full that is for sure. But yes anyways I was then sat reading my book and (I just literally split half a bag of coffee beans on to my clean floor, I am a twat... that is all) ............ okay..... what was I saying....... yes I was reading my book and I suddenly thought, ah yes I have been meaning to write a blog about this dream that I keep having. Yeah this dream. I haven't shared it yet cos I am a little confused. Now I ain't one of these people that believe your dreams mean something, that they are telling you to do something but I do think that they are kind of you conscience. I am the type of person, must to people's annoyance, that keeps things in so sometimes things overwhelm me and normally they come out in my dreams. So any ways this is my dream. I am a mother, to a small baby girl, to begin with she is tiny, in my arms like, I am literally crying with happiness. Then I am in a park and my little girl is playing on the swings and other stuff, we are laughing and playing in the leaves, then its her first day of school, she cries, then when she leaves I cry. Then suddenly she is a teenager, we are in the kitchen, I'm ironing (clearly not reflecting reality at all there) and she is doing her home work, asking me questions. When she finishes I go over to her and hug her, I kiss her on the head and then she just disappears. Then I am all alone, in this empty house but I cant remember my daughter I just feel this great lose. Then I wake up. That's it. Not sure what to make of it really. I have had it every night for a bout a week now. And I know I need to get to the bottom of it to stop it. It's just horrible cos I wake up with this feeling of lose, like I am missing something. Dreams come and go but this one stays with me all day. I don't know whether its just me dealing with grief still, the dream could be cos I lost my baby, or cos I lost my mum I don't know. I reckon a psychologist would have a field day with me and my thinkings.
Well that is about it for my craziness. Although not that crazy. But just random. But yeah thoughts are most welcome. And until next time I shall bid you all a very good evening. Oh yeah its friday, friday, gotta get down on friday !!! whoop!!
Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey Beth,
ReplyDeleteI could go into a long and boring dissection of your dream but the short answer is ...both! they both happenend around the same time and both deeply affected you.. the mind works in funny ways sometimes...sometimes in ways we don't understand. I know you are clever enough to fill in all the bits in the middle and it is quite common for people to grieve for 2 - 3 years about these things. not always in ways we recognise and not all the time, although if you are honest, it's always there in the back of your mind. Having a dream like this now could be because your mind thinks you might be ready to deal with things and so brings it forward in your head....
look at it as a positive thing and take some time to have a think about things, however painful,you may be ready to deal with things even if only a bit at a time, then move on a bit more..time does heal..you won't ever forget...but you learn how to cope properly so you are able to have happiness again.
Hope this helps a bit. Love XXXX A.
thanks very much for your advice, makes lots of sense and is something to think about for sure. time is a healer although I do wonder sometimes how long time can go on for with such little healing. but maybe you are right and that i am more ready now to start dealing with these things properly.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks
love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just a bit at a time is all it takes, at first it's really hard, but each time gets that lil bit easier and don't ever forget we are all here for you, to shout at, cry on or just plain kick us, what ever it takes. We all want our old Beth back the way she was!(can't believe I just said that!!) You can and will be able to deal with these things, but there is no rush, your head will dicide when is best for you, just follow your feelings and let a bit out at a time. Oh and the leaves bit in your dream comes from your mum, it was a favorite pass time of her's to kick leaves in the park. Anyway don't worry that your not normal.. you are. ( can't believe I just said that aswell !!)
ReplyDeleteLove A xxxx
Thanks for your comments.... I think !! lol !! yes I do have a vague memory of mum and me kicking leaves, so I will continue to do this for a very long time.
ReplyDeleteLove xxxxxxxxxx