24 sleeps until Christmas........... That is it. Today is the 1st of December. How fucking quick has this year gone. I can remember this time last year like it was only yesterday, getting ready, searching online for all my presents last minute. Well this year I have been a very good girl indeed, super duper organised. I think I have only a few more presents to get, and today we bought our tree and some decorations so the christmas mood in our house is booming.... booming marvellous. I am actually very excited, this year is getting crazy in work, people needing their caffeine fix (mainly men trying to switch off their misses' "I want one of those" ) and I know that 2013 is gonna be another awesome year just like this one. This year I have learnt a lot about myself, I really shouldn't eat cheese, I am a bit more than a little odd and I really, REALLY don't like pears. It's not that I don't even like them, I hate them, I'm afraid of them. I don't know why although I was recently told by a friend that back in the day they use to use this device to torture people. It's shapped like a pear and it was used to gag, or shoved up..... well.... up........ oh fuck it.... shoved up a women's vagina who they believed to be either a witch or a homosexual. So it sounds like a had a pretty awesome past life.......I either got to feel the fruits of other women or I cast spells on people, or both, either way I am now happy with my fear knowing that it was worth developing !
No seriously I don't believe in reincarnation, I believe we come from aliens..... ;)
I'm sorry I've really lost the point of this blog. Ah yes I was going to share something with you, this is something that a few people in my life know about but maybe don't know the full depth of it. I am such an odd person when it comes to my feelings and thoughts, yes I have this blog so I share a lot here but day to day I keep a lot, like a lot of my craziness in, this is mainly because I am a little mad. Even I question a lot of what goes on in my brain. So any who, it's christmas and I love the feeling that it brings, but there is one pressure that for me is very hard to deal with, and this is food. Now I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder like anorexia as such, but if I sat down and talked to some one fully about it they probably would say I have one as I really struggle sometimes with food. It started many many moons again, I was always fuzzy with my food and bless my mum I don't think she understood this and would make me eat food that I hated and as I got older and things happened in my life I felt very lost (that ladies and gents is not a story for today). But I felt I had little control over my life and as a teenager I was in a very bad place, so as we all do as human beings we need something to control, and mine was food. I have always been fuzzy and I have always hated the pressure that is put on us to eat so I began to stop eating, maybe to rebel a bit but mainly so I felt that I was in control of my life. This all started over 10 years ago and I have had some pretty low times with it, losing a lot of weight over the years and at one point only consuming liquids. I am glad to say that those time are behind me but sadly it isn't something that just leaves you, it becomes such a way of life that you can't just switch it off. So coming up to christmas is a great time but food wise is a constant battle for me, it's like in my head I know that it's all rubbish that I have a good level of control, but with xmas comes this social need to just stuff our faces. Every other advert on TV is about dinner, or chocolates and treats, and all of a sudden it's like my throat seizes up. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna say it's all about control as well, some of it is body image. I'm not going to say I'm 100% happy with myself, but then who is? It's not that niggle in the back of your head that tell's you "one pie is probably enough" its the screaming voices in mine that shout "one more bite and you are gonna lose it and be HUGE". To be frank I don't know 100% why I am telling you this, writing this shit down helps more that I realise so I am hoping that maybe this christmas I will be able to eat my christmas dinner without crying inside with every bite. I'm not asking for sympathy and all that cheesy shit just support I suppose. When I did my dissertation for my Psychology course I studied eating disorders and it was so interesting. I did this because I felt like there was such a stigma surrouding it, "oh you're thin you must have anorexia" and yes maybe but don't judge when you have no idea why they do, it isn't always about being thin, sometimes that is a cover up for the really reason. If we all have vices, of how we keep our selves in check, keep ourselves sane to face the world every day, mine is food. I am happy to admit that (probably not if I was talking to you face to face lol ) but I do. I watch people eat and if freaks me out, I watch people lose control and get bigger and bigger and that fucking scares the shit out of me, not getting fat at such but losing that control, if I can control how much food passes my lips then my live has order..... doesn't sound that crazy does it....? Okay it does.... but maybe writing this out like I said, this year maybe the first I put on christmas weight rather than losing it like every xmas for the past 11 years !!!!! I'll keep you a breast.
So it is now 24 sleeps until christmas.... whoa de ja vu, I have my advent calender (thanks nanny :) ) and I have my tree. Currently all is good with the world.
I do have one question though. As the fella and I were going to the shops I spotted something, I thought for a second and asked "why do fat people always drive mini's?.......cos it only makes them look fatter" If you know the answer then please let me know. My mind is in turmoil.
As always,
Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S I hope you are watching the new season of Him and Her, if not, DO!
Mwah
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