Well it's been a very interesting start to the week I must say. Had my final check up at the London Charing Cross Hospital yesterday. So glad that is over and done with. Can not believe though I had to go all the way to London to have an ultra sound and then speak to the consultant, for literally 10 minutes, seriously, not heard of video chat!!!???!!! But any way it is done now. It's hard to describe this hospital really...... basically you feel like a bit of a minority, it's in a very ethnic area of London, which is fine I have no problem with, but when you have nurses that can not speak English very well trying to pronounce names we can't even say, gets very tedious. But after waiting over an hour and half for my appointment ( because apparently I was next in the queue ....... yeah right.....) I finally got to have my scan. Nice to hear the words "it's all fine" though. It does get rather consuming, waiting for the appointment, and with my run of bad luck I have just began to except that anything could happen, and if they had turned around and said "oh actually you need more treatment" I would have been half expecting it !!! But thankfully it was all tickety boo so I am very happy. Must say have been in a pretty bad mood over the past few days just waiting for it. Difficult to word the emotions that I feel really. This time last year I found out I was pregnant, so as you can imagine my only emotions were of happiness (okay maybe a little bit panicked at the prospect of being a 'mum') but generally I was over whelmed with excitement. So knowing that I was going to have a scan and see nothing is a pretty horrible thought, and it only brings back the emotions I felt when I had my first scan and was told the worst news any pregnant mother can hear. I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but sometimes feeling weak is all that your body and mind will allow you too feel. For me, well for any one, loss is a very difficult emotion to organise and deal with, and over the past 2 years of my life I have experienced my first loss and then proceeded to loss more. Firstly and mainly my Mum. Now that is a pain that even now has not died away at all. Every day I feel the short sharp stabs, reminding me that I will never see her face again, or that her name will never pop up on my mobile sending me my good morning text to get me out of my grump, or that I ever will never have to buy and write a card with the words 'Mum' on it. Now although I say this pain has got no less, this is true, more manageable, yes !! I have learnt to deal with the pain when it comes, get it out and just remember why it is I miss her and why she deserves to be missed. And then secondly the lose of my baby. Now I know I wasn't 8 months pregnant or anything like that, but that really means shit. Doesn't matter how long you knew for, you still knew and you still felt that life growing inside of you. And I can honestly say when I had my first scan and I just watched the face of the nurse my whole world came crashing down. A wee tiny bit of me died, and I know that part will never come back !!! And I don't want it to, it died with my baby and for her I owe her that respect. I couldn't bring her into this world so she took apart of me out with her. Hence my tattoo I got shortly after...... Now I got my little sister to draw this for me, that's why its not perfect, its not symetrical, but if for you guys that know me know that I hate perfection, life is not perfect and neither am I, so I wanted some thing true to me, and no one in the world will ever have this tattoo........ explanation is the top star is my Mum, middle one is Me, and the third is my bubba..... I know it's not much but it means a lot to me, and I know that my mum would have said it rocked....... (she hopes :) )
Watch this space as well, because my next tattoo is planned and drawn, also by my ickle sis..... Just need to get off my ass and get down to the shop and get it done !!!!
Right sooooooooo on very much of a lighter note I am back into my running. Had a bit of a mishap and pulled a muscle in my foot. Now arguable not that bad of an injury but fuck me did it hurt, struggled to walk for a fair few days, so went and saw the podiatrist, which was rather freaky, letting some one play with your feet, but he said to rest rest rest, so I did.... rest rest rest. But back on it this week. So far done 9.9 K but will be adding to that more tomorrow. If you are remotely interested on how often it is I like to go out and torture myself I have made a section now on your right hand side of this page dedicated to my runs. It almost gives me a little bit of a boast to keep improving as I wouldn't want to share it with you if I was getting worse. So yeah feel free to encourage me there and give me a big pat on the back WHEN (not if) you are impressed with my runs. Have a very good coach though, and I will never be able to apologise enough for the amount of abuse I give him every time we go out...... "I AM GIVING IT MY ALL GOD DAM YOU!!!! " Loving it though. Felt horrible when I couldn't run, your body gets use to the adrenaline, which feels awesome, when you suddenly stop it doesn't know what to do with its self. But I am back on it now and I know how to keep myself from not incurring more injury's........ look where I am going and stop being a clumsy twat head....... so basically never going to happen.
You may be asking why I am running as much, or even why I bother to run at all, wellllllllllllllllll, I had a moment, a moment where I swear I was not in sound mind, so much so I could convince a jury of this fact, and I signed myself up for the Bath half Marathon..................... I know I know bloody crazy, ludacris, insane I hear some of you say, well yes but if we try and put it all into prospective, I try and get fit and in turn raise money for Macmillan cancer research. So it is worth the blood sweat and tears. I chose this charity btw because of all the help they gave my Mum. I think when ever any of us get sick the first thing that goes through our heads is money, "how can I afford to pay for the bills" etc, and especially if you have kids that worry is even worse, but Macmillan just completely took that worry away from my Mum, and that really helped her concentrate on what was important, being comfortable and getting better. So I think that they do deserve some pennies. Soooooooooo if you would like to sponsor me at all please get in contact with me. You can contact me through facebook or twitter or if you are lucky enough to have my mobile just give me a tinkle. And do please remember that every little really does help. So please please please anything big or small is greatly appreciated by all !!!! MWAH :)
Okay well my beau just looked over my shoulder and quote " christ you writing a book?" , so my cue to probably call this a day as most of you have probably passed away with boredom now....... and if you have then I am sorry, the next blog will be a lot more interesting (or just interesting should I say) ....... I have lots to fill you in on....... a little taster is I have to give up chocolate ..... AHHHHHHH !!!! Honestly this is front page news !!!!
Okay,
Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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